Lloyd Garmadon's Guide To Fans
by 4nn4
Summary: Lloyd Garmadon walks you through dealing with any fans you meet in your life, crazy or otherwise, one step at a time.
1. Introduction

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing in this story besides the basic idea. Ninjago is not mine. Neither is Minecraft or anything else I reference in this work.**

Let me tell you a story about the first time I ever encountered fangirls.

I was in a crowded room at a fan convention, looking at the nearest Starfarer booth and contemplating whether to risk my head to get that shiny new special edition Issue #137. The booth was totally swarmed with people of all ages, and going in seemed really dangerous. I decided to go find the other identical booth that I passed before, the one that is eerily unpopulated- but hey, I wouldn't get trampled.

Then I turned around to come face-to-face with a group of grinning teenage girls, dressed in varying shades of green and gold (which happen to be your most frequently worn colors) and looking ready to kill. They did not look friendly. One was even holding a katana (and it was real- that sucker freaking glinted in the light like only real swords can), and… was that one in the back holding a _taser?_

Although I'd met fans on my post-final-battle tour of Ninjago, I'd never seen fans like this. The people I spoke in front of on tour were usually very calm and polite. I'd been asked for autographs before. I'd taken selfies with people that wanted me to. I'd hugged children, laughed with elderly citizens, chatted with parents. I'd never dealt with these kind of girls before.

The girls all lunged simultaneously at me with a high-pitched squealing that I'd only ever heard on nature shows. It was very, very, _very_ frightening. One thing was obvious: These girls loved me.

I ran for my life.

Ten minutes later, I was out of the giant convention center, where my friends were sitting in the courtyard waiting for me. Panting, I sat down and breathed deeply, trying to calm myself down.

Kai set down his water bottle and looked me in the eye. "What happened?" he asked.

"Well, it all started when-"

I heard a glass door shatter, which was followed by a crazed scream of "_There he is!_" and even more squealing.

I was out of my chair in less than five seconds, sprinting once again towards shelter. Behind me, Jay was yelling, "Where are you going, Lloyd?!" It was too late. I was long gone.

The courtyard was huge, though. I was a really long way away from the door, but my legs kept going. Eventually I got inside, and ran for the nearest empty room. The area itself was deserted, which meant less cover, but easier running. I was almost to the room. It was so close, I could smell the air freshener, and I was nearly there. I was almost to safety, to relief, to rest-

And then I felt something burning hot coursing through my body, and everything went black.

I came to an hour later in a hospital bed. The doctor explained that I'd been hit with a CyTaser 2000, a weapon with thirty times the power of a regular taser that was banned to most average citizens, and then tackled by several fifteen year-olds. Luckily, my team had gotten to me before the girls could do too much damage.

I was scarred for life.

* * *

Over time, I met even more types of fangirls. Then, I took notes. I'd go to an event with a notebook in my pocket, and write down the behavior of the fans I met there. I categorized them all into several groups.

My goal: to create a comprehensive guide to nearly every type of fan out there for the convenience of people such as authors, actors, musicians, artists, public speakers- you get it. Nobody should have to go through what I did, and to avoid that, you need to know how to deal properly with fangirls (and sometimes even fanboys).

So here it is, ladies and gentlemen: _Dealing With Fans For Idiots_.

* * *

**I literally just thought of this today in school. Don't even ask.**

**So, uh… yeah. Review, fave, follow, whatever. Okay?**

**Great. See you on the flipside.**

**Signing off,**

**4nn4**


	2. Classification and General Tips

**CATEGORIZATION**

In this guide, the types of fangirls will be organized in this format:

_**Type [number], [letter]. Name.**_ (Like I'm talking about diabetes, blood types, and animal species at one time- but I'm not. I'm classifying fangirls.)

_Description _(Includes general appearances, behaviors, etc.)

_Hazards _(Exactly what it says on the tin.)

_How to deal _(Also pretty obvious.)

_Bottom line _(A short, sweet summary of this type of fangirl.)

For example's sake, I'm going to categorize my team as one type. Here's what that would be like:

_Type 0.A. Ninja._

_Description: Four teenage boys (and a Nindroid) who have the job of protecting the country of Ninjago. They enjoy video games and sleeping in. They vary in personality and appearance, but all have some sort of elemental power and martial arts skills._

_Hazards: Don't mess with the ones they love. _

_How to deal: Don't attack anyone they like and you should be fine. Also, hone your video game skills._

_Bottom line: Usually not dangerous, but they can be deadly._

If below a single type you see something like 0.A.a, you've just found a subcategory. It goes below a main category and shows information about a specific type of type. So, in the example above, the 0.A.a might be about Kai, 0.A.b might be about Jay, and so on.

**GENERAL TIPS**

If you're unsure of what type of fangirl you're dealing with, the next few tips usually work in both defending yourself from unwanted attacks and making the fangirl happy.

Smile and be polite.

Be reasonable when giving fangirls what they want. Autographs and such are okay things to give out; personal phone numbers and those type of things aren't. A selfie a fangirl takes with you and posts online will cause less damage to you and your safety than a selfie she takes with your street address.

Keep 911 on speed dial at all times.

Even if you're tired, try to be positive and casual. There's nothing worse than meeting your role model and finding out that they refuse to talk to you because they're "tired".

If you have an autograph station or something like that, set up times to be there and times not to. Getting stuck signing your name all day results in the worst hand cramps ever.

Don't get high (sugar-induced or otherwise) before meeting fangirls. Getting drunk isn't too smart either.

Stay alert. All fans are some degree of dangerous. While some are certainly safer than others, it never hurts to be on guard at all times.

Beware of cosplayers. Just in case you encounter them before getting to the part of this guide that talks about them, I'm telling you now that they are insanely unpredictable.

Be ready to be hugged.

Also, be ready to run.

* * *

**I wrote half of this last night, took a three-hour nap this morning after being awake for an hour, and came back to finish this chapter up. **

**Sorry about the short length- this is just to explain the organization system I'll be using in this. It gets complicated, and I wanted to try to help you get it.**

**Anyway, have a great day and God bless! :)**

**Signing off,**

**4nn4**


	3. Section One: Harmless

**SECTION ONE: HARMLESS **

The following types of fans are the ones that will not hurt you in any way. They're generally safe to encounter, so don't worry too much about self-defense.

_**Type 1.a. The Gazer.**_

_Description:_ Stands at a distance from you and looks straight towards you. Their gazes may range from dreamy to downright creepy. The Gazer often wears dark, unassuming clothing (generally a hoodie, sneakers, and jeans) and blends in really well with any crowd. They will rarely approach you directly; all they'll really do is stare at you.

_Hazards: _Their stares might make you feel slightly creeped out, but there isn't any physical danger with Gazers.

_How to deal:_ Offer a smile, nod, or wave if you start to feel uncomfortable; this will most likely give them the attention they want from you and satisfy them.

_Bottom line: _Weird, but completely safe.

_**Type 1.b. The Easy Talker.**_

_Description: _May look the same as a type 1.a., but will definitely approach you. The Easy Talker will strike up a conversation with you. It will begin with a polite introduction, then small talk, and then maybe some personal questions (and they'll be thorough about it, too). They'll smile quite a bit, and be incredibly nice. They won't take offense if you don't want to answer a question.

_Hazards:_ None at all!

_How to deal: _Be sincere and dedicated when talking to them. Don't wave them off at any point unless you absolutely have to, because these fans are gold. Encountering one is pretty rare, and the experience should be savored.

_Bottom line:_ One of the best types that you can ever meet.

_**Type 1.c. The Stutterer.**_

_Description: _Like a type 1.b., they'll confidently approach you. However, they'll try to start a conversation and immediately begin to stammer (usually because of excitement) and barely be able to speak coherently. The Stutterer may begin to giggle at random points during the encounter, try to control themselves, and fail miserably. Expect them to say things like "This is so amazing!" , "I can't believe I'm talking to you right now!", and so on very often.

_Hazards:_ None at all, unless you're allergic to stammering.

_How to deal:_ A Stutterer can be dealt with much the same as a type 1.b., but it'll take longer.

_Bottom line:_ Very common, but harmless.

_**Type 1.d. The Snapchatter.**_

_Description:_ (note: These fans may also use Instagram, Twitter, Vine, or Facebook, but most of them use Snapchat.) They'll want to take a selfie or short video (or two or three or twenty) with you and post it online on their phone. The Snapchatter often wears clothing with something associated with you printed very boldly on it (the same goes for their iPhone case, bag, and other accessories).

_Hazards: _Almost none. They may waste your time if you don't stop them, though.

_How to deal: _Smile! Also, if they insist on taking a ludicrous amount of pictures, politely stop them.

_Bottom line: _They just want followers.

_**Type 1.e. The Hugger.**_

_Description:_ Will invariably come up and hug you with no warning at all. They will not try to pickpocket you, stab you, or anything else like that. That's it.

_Hazards:_ Almost none, besides the fact that some hug very tightly.

_How to deal:_ Hug back like you mean it. That's all they want out of you- just a nice hug.

_Bottom line:_ Entirely safe. Feel free to hug them.

* * *

There aren't many types of safe fans out there; in fact, this is about all of them. The next sections will be longer, more involved, and much more interesting. (Oh yeah, and probably more useful than these.)

Get ready. This is going to get serious soon.

* * *

**My sincerest apologies for the short chapter; I couldn't come up with many perfectly harmless kinds of fans. However, the next chapters will be, as stated above, longer and more involved. **

**Sadly, I'm busy until Easter break. I'll probably write a crap ton of stuff then. After all, sugar makes me write faster.**

**Have a nice day/night and God bless!**

**Signing off,**

**4nn4**


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